In our last episode, “Red’s Whine 4 – Stuart, coffee and bingo”, we left Red in the car with her family on their way to a well-deserved break. We continue, some time later.
It was the end of the second phase of the Better Business project and the pressure had been intense. Despite the team being cut, the remaining three members had still been expected to complete all of the deliverables, and to the original timescale. Red relished situations like this – her years in customer service had made her a real stress-junkie and she realised that she had been missing that since transferring full-time to this project.
The first phase had largely consisted of conversations with the business; about their internal customers’ needs, what the bank was doing right – and what it was doing wrong. The present phase had been about analysing their stated requirements, using the team’s experience to discern any unexpressed needs and applying their understanding of how the consumers expected the bank to treat them (in a word, fairly).
The major deliverables were a stack of documents – the final, ‘100% optimised’, easy to understand, easy to implement, process design that would be used across all the customer service departments and all contact channels. Allegedly, this would (magically) lead to improved customer satisfaction scores, higher retention rates, and improved lifetime value (and profits!), once the new IT systems were in place.
But who knew when that might be? The in-house development team did not have an unblemished record when it came to delivering to time and to budget! The sign on the Development Manager’s office door perfectly encapsulated their attitude – "Do you *really* want it Friday, or do you want it to work?". The implied threat must be enough to prevent most requests for faster delivery. "Rather like not sending back cold soup in a restaurant for fear of what might happen to it in the kitchen", Red thought.
They confidently predicted a six month project – which they would start just as soon as they had finished all of the other urgent, important corporate projects on which they were already working.
"What could be more simple?" Red had spoken the question out loud, but had not expected an answer from the rather dilapidated stretchy – or was that squashy? – stress ball on the desk in front of her. She was not disappointed, and had to supply her own reply.
"Listen to what the customer is telling you, ask them for additional information, understand their needs and deliver changes to the business that improve their experience. Pure genius!"
The final presentation meeting to Stuart (Head of Retail Banking) had gone really well – to start with. In fact, it went well right up to the moment when Red was summarising the work of the first two phases. The beautifully designed final PowerPoint slide showed the steps – Listen, Ask, Understand, Deliver. Much to her annoyance, Stuart had dared to interrupt her at this point.
"Lord!", he’d said. "Lord?", queried Red (a master of the quick-witted reply). "No, laud. L-A-U-D". He had spelled it out. "It’s an FLA". Humouring him just this once, Red had wearily asked the question that Stuart so obviously wanted her to. "Okay, what’s an FLA?" With a huge, self-satisfied grin on his face, Stuart had chortled "You mean, you don’t know? I thought everyone knew that. It’s a TLA – a three letter acronym – that means four letter acronym. Clever, huh?"
Red walked slowly but purposefully across the room and punched him squarely on the nose. Well, in her mind’s eye she did. In reality, she just muttered under her breath, "How pathetic!" for the very last time.
(c) 2008 Respond Group Ltd, First published in Customer magazine (www.customermagazine.co.uk). Reproduced with permission.
Posted by imptwo 

I thought that one was the magic number, but there seem to be many other candidates for the title.